Bargaining with the Darkness
The stages of grief- Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think most people familiar with the “stages” acknowledge they aren’t linear. It’s more a way to name a collection of emotional challenges and experiences. And nothing is more challenging to me right now than the bargaining going on in my head. It started in the darkness, laying in bed, the night after a long day of dealing with the shock of my brother’s death. I whispered in the darkness, please, please don’t let this be real. Please, I would give anything to wake up a week ago and do everything differently. I reached out into the darkness and begged for something to reach back. Please, please let me go back and convince him to go to the hospital. I would give anything to have called the police and asked them to check up on him. He was suicidal. We all missed how desperate he was. Please, please let this be some elaborate joke he’s playing on all of us. Maybe he faked his own death and will pop up and laugh about how seriously we took it.
As the days move on, I’ve started bargaining for other things. Please, please, let me go back and ask him more often about his sobriety. Why didn’t I ask him more often what was going on with his drinking? Why didn’t I recognize how bad the pandemic would compromise his support structures and coping mechanisms? Why did I ask him what he was doing to protect his sobriety? Why did we spend so much time talking about his train-wreck of a horrible relationship and rarely talked enough about his mental health and his drinking?
Then I go back even farther. After he got out of the hospital the last time I knew about it, February 2019, why didn’t I ask about rehab? Please, please, let me go back and push harder and help him research rehab options. Why didn’t I ask more often about attending AA meetings or other support groups for alcoholics? I was so damn distracted by his TERRIBLE relationship that I just didn’t ask often enough.
I’m so mad at myself and I’m so mad at him because he’s not here to give me any answers. Guess I’ve cycled back to anger again.
