Muddling Through with Mom
Me, Mom and Zac, I think in Zac’s apartment, early 2000’s
Almost a year ago, I had to call my mom to tell her Zac was dead. It was the second worst phone call of my life, right behind the one in which Jacob confirmed my worst fears. Zac was gone and we were all too late to stop what now feels like it was almost inevitable. Our hearts were broken that day.
Mom and I have muddled through this “year of firsts” together, dealing with the aftermath of Zac’s death. The first holidays without him. His birthday. All the other events in our lives that we would’ve loved to share with him. All the weekends we couldn’t talk to him or text with him. All the movies and music and books we can’t get his opinion about. Mom and I spend many phone calls pouring over the last things we said to Zac. The events of the last two years of his life. Our terrible guilt and anger at what happened. We say the things to each other that are hard or feel impossible to say to anyone else.
Our grief is different. My mom lost her son and I don’t have children and so I’ll never know what that’s like. I lost my brother and my mom still has hers. We give each other space to have our own grief experiences and try to just be there for each other.
Before Zac died, Mom and I had a strained relationship. We hadn’t spoken in awhile. We were recovering from a difficult moment, a time when we were dealing with some of the trauma of the past. Zac’s death pushed us back together again in the blink of an eye. There was nothing to do but to cling to each other. Before Zac died, I missed my mom but struggled to see the path to our reconciliation. Zac and I talked a lot about our relationships with our parents and he helped me work through some of our most challenging memories. I will always be grateful to him for helping me reckon with our childhood and find a path forward. It would be so much better if he was still here but our work together definitely helped me get to a healthier place in my relationship with my mom.
My mom has dealt with a lot of grief in her life and she has often been very open and candid about her experiences. I have learned a lot from her about how to be compassionate with myself and to recognize that grief has no time table and it is a different experience for everyone. I’m so grateful we have each other and that we are finding a way forward, together.
