The Cold Comfort of 2021
Philly’s Christmas Attack of 2018!
For many years I’ve felt the double-edge sword of the holidays. Zac loved the gift giving part of Christmas and he took a lot of pride in giving fantastic gifts. Surly Santa Zac would serve up gifts to each family member with jokes that would make me laugh-cry so hard I had to catch my breath. He was also often drunk at Christmas and would get into huge fights and often end up leaving on Christmas Day. He started our family tradition of going to the movies either on Christmas Eve or the day, probably so he could escape from dissolving into a fight. But also because he absolutely loved movies and big stuff comes out on Christmas.
We had many fond memories of Christmas as children. My grandmother was a dedicated Christmas elf who fully decorated her house and made sure there were lots of presents under the tree for each of us. She would make a display of Italian holiday cookies and we would have a different kind of meal each year. She would put out a tray of 50’s crudités, including many pickled things and OLIVES. Zac and Ross would stand by the tray and completely inhale every single olive on the tray. To the point that it became a running joke and we would bring them their own can of olives and they would eat all of those and all of the others so that the rest of us were olive-denied. As we grew up my grandmother created a chore bowl and she would put chores on slips of paper and we would each pick one and help out. Everyone wanted to pick the “collect all the wrapping paper” from opening gifts or “dry the dishes”…but inevitably you would end up getting “take out the trash” or “wash the dishes”. Some of us would try to barter or bargain our way into a chore swap. But that was rare, at least in my memory.
We were very lucky to grow up with some great Christmas memories. As adults our Christmases became more complicated and downright sad. I remember coming home for Christmas from Guyana when I was in the Peace Corps and feeling completely shocked and disoriented after spending over a year in another country. I also spent the Christmas after Hurricane Katrina in tears half the time and gave out MREs as gifts. I’ve developed resentment for some of the forced pageantry and fake smiles and expectations of cheer. The holidays are absolutely miserable for so many people. I’ve started asking myself what I actually want to do for the holidays, rather than what I think is expected.
Zac and I made a pact in 2017 that we would celebrate Christmas together. He and Jacob came and stayed with us in New Orleans in 2017, easily one of the most fun Christmases I had in a long time. In 2018, Doug and I went to Los Angles and while we had a lot of fun, it was clear that Zac was super stressed about his relationship and his financial situation and it put a strain on the trip. In 2019, we talked about going back to Tucson together and I wish so badly we did. Instead we were both tight on money and decided that we would be together in Phoenix in August 2020 for the release of Bill and Ted 3.
I’m not excited to ring in 2021. While this has been a horrendous year, it is the last year that Zac was alive. The last year I heard his warm, funny voice on the other end of the phone. The last year I received a text from him. The last year he produced a new podcast. It’s agony to leave this year behind because it’s also leaving the arbitrary space and time that Zac inhabited. I have felt a sadness so deep this holiday season and I want to move on. But I’m also not ready to let go.
