It’s only life, after all

Three years. It’s been over three years since Zac has been gone. Time has taken some of the sting out but I still get caught, out of the blue, missing him so bad I think I’ll drown again. Its a deep, terrible ache that I know will never go away.

I still think to myself -REALLY, I have to just live like this??? Without him? For the REST OF MY LIFE??? That’s just not possible. But it is. It’s disturbing how possible it is to just keep living.

I hate not having a sibling. It’s like losing an appendage.

I think he would have LOVED the Barbenheimer movie blitz. Those movies have produced such strong feelings and thoughtful (and absolutely terrible) discussions. So many people flocked to the movies in a big, summer blockbuster way that hasn’t been our reality since the pandemic, for the most part. Zac appreciated entertainment and art that created discussion, controversy, big feelings and real reactions. If you think it’s trash, if you think its the best movie ever made, at least you had a reaction. Unlike the bajillion Marvel movies that at this point, are just a boring soundtrack in the background while we scroll on our phones.

Zac would’ve done the double feature and then seen the Barbie movie several more times in the theater. He would’ve had some really fascinating takes on both movies that most of us have not thought about. He would’ve had fun messing equally with misogynist trolls and angry feminists who didn’t think Barbie went far enough. Maybe I’m wrong entirely and he would’ve felt differently about both movies. That was Zac. He always kept us on our toes.

I sat in the Barbie movie last week with my bestie surrounded by a cross-section of my community, lots of people dressed in pink. There were group singalongs and big laughs and my friend and I quietly sobbing at the end. It was ridiculously cathartic. I missed the shit out of my brother and just wanted to text with him after because he definitely would’ve seen it before me.

I often think about how I should live big for him. But I don’t feel like I’m living big at the moment. I’m struggling with some health stuff and going through a divorce. And divorce is a whole different type of grief itself but grief nonetheless. And even though it is amicable and we are hoping to stay friends, it’s another loss that I’m navigating. I’m grieving my youth and what we once had. I’m grieving that we were lost to each other for many years. I’m grieving that I didn’t leave sooner.

I think Zac would be proud of me that I’m finally moving on and seeing things more clearly. It is absolutely awful that he’s not here so I can dump all my relationship crap on him the way he dumped all his relationship crap on me ALL THE TIME FOR YEARS! Completely unfair!!!

In the words of America Ferrera’s character in Barbie, “That’s life. It’s all change.”